I'm a stranger on the Internet, but man...this really speaks to me. Going from the brink to a semi-functioning adult with people who love you and depend on you can be such a strange thing when you really become aware of it in certain moments when time seems to be something you can cut through, and you see yourself there, your past self, five, ten, fifteen, twenty years before. Past pain becomes tangible, and you want to heal it, but you have healed it, but it still has an imprint on parts of yourself you shed like snake skin. But that's a process in itself. Trauma but also your current happiness also mix, and you feel afraid that suddenly it could be ripped away, you want to hold yourself close, whisper secrets into your own ears, but you know...even if you could communicate with yourself from past times, those times when unfairly hope was nowhere, you wouldn't believe yourself. So you retreat back from the vortex of split time before you, and you just understand that all you can do is embrace this life you have that you never thought you would have, afraid it will be taken, but also happy, grateful, and full...so much fullness. I hug my child in times like this, and eat our family dinners, take walks where my mind is for once still.. and I try to brush it away like I have walked through impossibly strong spiderwebs, I panic and try to untangle myself. To you another human being out there, I wish a happy birthday, and I hope you continue to prosper, and although you still have that young version of yourself with you, I hope that you continue to love and heal as she never imagined you could.
I'm a stranger on the Internet, but man...this really speaks to me. Going from the brink to a semi-functioning adult with people who love you and depend on you can be such a strange thing when you really become aware of it in certain moments when time seems to be something you can cut through, and you see yourself there, your past self, five, ten, fifteen, twenty years before. Past pain becomes tangible, and you want to heal it, but you have healed it, but it still has an imprint on parts of yourself you shed like snake skin. But that's a process in itself. Trauma but also your current happiness also mix, and you feel afraid that suddenly it could be ripped away, you want to hold yourself close, whisper secrets into your own ears, but you know...even if you could communicate with yourself from past times, those times when unfairly hope was nowhere, you wouldn't believe yourself. So you retreat back from the vortex of split time before you, and you just understand that all you can do is embrace this life you have that you never thought you would have, afraid it will be taken, but also happy, grateful, and full...so much fullness. I hug my child in times like this, and eat our family dinners, take walks where my mind is for once still.. and I try to brush it away like I have walked through impossibly strong spiderwebs, I panic and try to untangle myself. To you another human being out there, I wish a happy birthday, and I hope you continue to prosper, and although you still have that young version of yourself with you, I hope that you continue to love and heal as she never imagined you could.
Happy birthday. Here's to many more.