Every time I read your words, I find myself on a journey. Sometimes shockingly alien, many times painfully familiar. Like a cut to the flesh or a balm to the soul. My daughter (who hasn't spoken to us in nearly two years) suffers from BPD. This has helped me understand in infinite ways. Thank you, Autumn.
wow - you are a great writer - very brave of you to share - bravo - and I believe your dedication to the mystic exhortation to "know thyself" will ultimately free you from the pain - I'm pulling for you! It will probably feel like death, but you can't have rebirth without it :)
Amazing. We are always both "being" and "becoming", never in equal measure. I wish you luck in evolving the duality you describe into something that is the best of both; the lightning and the hearth fire it taught us to start.
I found this interesting. As I have said previously I knew a woman with BPD, who identified herself as having BPD, who killed herself and obviously with suicide the motive of such people is not usually explained or particularly clear.
What I find interesting, what adds an addition to my world view. Is from your description, there is no real reason you are like this. You haven't identified parental abuse, a physical condition, or some other thing. I have followed a lot of Stefan Molyneux who does online call ins and he tends to actually find a childhood issue with everyone that calls in and it is a very rational thought process. Even if they start the call saying they had a perfect childhood.
But I suppose there is a possibility that some people just had something that is like this and there is no outward catalyst. The girl I described was obviously getting sicker and sicker. She couldn't sleep, and had gone to a lot of doctors in her teens when the problem had started.
There are definitely multiple catalysts, but I didn't want the piece to be about those external things that happened to me. It's easy for me to fall into victimhood, so I chose instead to focus on my decisions.
I think it's often a combination of a catalyst + genetic sensitivity to such things. Many people go through horrible things and do not come out the other side having a personality disorders. Lots of factors to consider.
I get what you mean. My half sister grew up with an alcoholic father (my father) that died when she was nine and a very neurotic, abusive mother. This is a damaged young woman but the way it manifests is that she kind of has low empathy and doesn't really seem to like people or make any effort for anybody much. I have gotten hints of the victimisation that lives there and I see how that might be very toxic. When it eclipses any realisation that others also suffer, and even hits down at those who suffered greater.
BUT, I would say that the article is incomplete without an exploration of the themes of what potentially got you there. The story still has many layers of it's telling. Even if some of them are undesireable to express. If I told you that I had a severe schizophrenic break. But I left out that badly controlled, long term, type 1 diabetes likely/ almost definitely had an effect on my brain that created that. Then you might be left with a strange sensation of only being met with half the story. Even though my diabetes, blood sugar levels, foods, insulin doses. Is kind of boring.
Nothing has ever so accurately described the perpetual swing between thinking I am the hottest, smartest, funniest, most altruistic person alive, forgetting that I actually believe myself to be the most deeply broken, irredeemably desperate, uncontrollably off putting, and annoyingly inconsiderate daughter/sister/partner. Never knowing which one’s true. Never trusting any decision of mine. Never believing that I’ll ever live a normal life or be proud of myself. Feeling only glimpses of hope through the dread of having to be me as long as god decided or ending it myself because the pain I carry had to be greater than the sum of everyone who loves me.
I had the hair up on the back of my neck reading this. Your piece was one of the most relatable personal stories I've ever come across in my whole 41 years. I've come across your on X and we've chatted, I don't know how to put it, but i thought i going l could learn something from you immediately. This is eerie, i have a lot to look into.
Thank you for writing and sharing this beautiful essay.
Every time I read your words, I find myself on a journey. Sometimes shockingly alien, many times painfully familiar. Like a cut to the flesh or a balm to the soul. My daughter (who hasn't spoken to us in nearly two years) suffers from BPD. This has helped me understand in infinite ways. Thank you, Autumn.
Visceral and raw. Phenomenal piece, Autumn!
wow - you are a great writer - very brave of you to share - bravo - and I believe your dedication to the mystic exhortation to "know thyself" will ultimately free you from the pain - I'm pulling for you! It will probably feel like death, but you can't have rebirth without it :)
Amazing. We are always both "being" and "becoming", never in equal measure. I wish you luck in evolving the duality you describe into something that is the best of both; the lightning and the hearth fire it taught us to start.
I found this interesting. As I have said previously I knew a woman with BPD, who identified herself as having BPD, who killed herself and obviously with suicide the motive of such people is not usually explained or particularly clear.
What I find interesting, what adds an addition to my world view. Is from your description, there is no real reason you are like this. You haven't identified parental abuse, a physical condition, or some other thing. I have followed a lot of Stefan Molyneux who does online call ins and he tends to actually find a childhood issue with everyone that calls in and it is a very rational thought process. Even if they start the call saying they had a perfect childhood.
But I suppose there is a possibility that some people just had something that is like this and there is no outward catalyst. The girl I described was obviously getting sicker and sicker. She couldn't sleep, and had gone to a lot of doctors in her teens when the problem had started.
There are definitely multiple catalysts, but I didn't want the piece to be about those external things that happened to me. It's easy for me to fall into victimhood, so I chose instead to focus on my decisions.
I think it's often a combination of a catalyst + genetic sensitivity to such things. Many people go through horrible things and do not come out the other side having a personality disorders. Lots of factors to consider.
Well, that's quite a line to walk.
I get what you mean. My half sister grew up with an alcoholic father (my father) that died when she was nine and a very neurotic, abusive mother. This is a damaged young woman but the way it manifests is that she kind of has low empathy and doesn't really seem to like people or make any effort for anybody much. I have gotten hints of the victimisation that lives there and I see how that might be very toxic. When it eclipses any realisation that others also suffer, and even hits down at those who suffered greater.
BUT, I would say that the article is incomplete without an exploration of the themes of what potentially got you there. The story still has many layers of it's telling. Even if some of them are undesireable to express. If I told you that I had a severe schizophrenic break. But I left out that badly controlled, long term, type 1 diabetes likely/ almost definitely had an effect on my brain that created that. Then you might be left with a strange sensation of only being met with half the story. Even though my diabetes, blood sugar levels, foods, insulin doses. Is kind of boring.
Nothing has ever so accurately described the perpetual swing between thinking I am the hottest, smartest, funniest, most altruistic person alive, forgetting that I actually believe myself to be the most deeply broken, irredeemably desperate, uncontrollably off putting, and annoyingly inconsiderate daughter/sister/partner. Never knowing which one’s true. Never trusting any decision of mine. Never believing that I’ll ever live a normal life or be proud of myself. Feeling only glimpses of hope through the dread of having to be me as long as god decided or ending it myself because the pain I carry had to be greater than the sum of everyone who loves me.
I had the hair up on the back of my neck reading this. Your piece was one of the most relatable personal stories I've ever come across in my whole 41 years. I've come across your on X and we've chatted, I don't know how to put it, but i thought i going l could learn something from you immediately. This is eerie, i have a lot to look into.
Whew. And thank you.